Have Broken Greater People ...
Lesser things have broken greater people ...
Today I sit and reflect on the past four years. Four years ago Adam and I were trying to decide when would be the right time to get pregnant. Truth be told, there is never a right time. In June 2012 we were blessed to discover we were pregnant with our first child, a daughter. In October 2012, we were told she had died and on November 5, 2012, with Adam by my side, I delivered our daughter Madison Michelle silently into this world.
Lesser things have broken greater people ...
I remember being angry, scared, feeling empty yet conflicted because literally 30 seconds ago to us she had been alive. To have hope ripped away from you is a feeling I wish on no one. To know that even though you did everything right, it wasn’t enough. To lose your child.
Lesser things have broken greater people ...
I think both Adam and I were aware that this could break us ... individually and as a unit. We had created a life and it was taken from us. The easy thing to do would have been to blame one another, to withdraw from one another, to run away. Yet we didn’t choose easy - we chose one another. No matter how hard that was, we always chose one another.
Once the doctor cleared me to return to work and resume “regular” activities, I remember feeling lost, pressure to return to “normal” - whatever that was because my new normal sucked. I felt like I was stuck in a glass box in the middle of a busy world that kept moving despite my horrific loss, I could scream and cry but no one heard me, they just kept moving forward.
Running became my salvation. I would simply step on the treadmill and lose myself step after step, mile after mile. It was like I was drowning but with each step I came closer to finding oxygen. I do not remember these runs, or how I felt after I stepped off the treadmill, but I do remember Adam having to tell me I couldn’t just run forever. I had to learn how to function again without running, without Madison.
Adam chose me.
Lesser things have broken greater people ...
And then, out of nowhere, we were pregnant again. We were pregnant before Madison’s due date. This pregnancy probably saved me. I couldn’t afford to keep running, I couldn’t afford to fall apart - I had a new baby (or babies as it would turn out to be) to think about it, I couldn’t think about me. This pregnancy made me a better woman, a better wife to my husband. I chose us, I chose our family.
Lesser things have broken greater people ...
Where does this post come from. Probably from watching Grey’s Anatomy this week where April and Jackson fall apart. Yes, I know it’s just a television show, but it very easily could have been my reality.
April and Jackson lost their son. Adam and I lost our daughter. We all suffered incredible loss - but instead of pushing Adam away and not recognizing his heartache, instead of Adam not making me talk to him and allowing me to “run” away, we chose one another.
Life is not easy. In fact, there are a lot of times that life just sucks. But at the end of the day, despite all the suckiness and sadness, I choose to be strong and part of my being strong is leaning on Adam. This wasn’t easy for Adam - he lost yet had to be strong for me. He hurt, but put that aside so I could grieve. He very easily could have said so many things - instead, he chose us.
Thank you for choosing us. Thank you for allowing us to have our family. Thank you for not letting this break us.
Lesser things have broken greater people ...
