Two Years...

Everything and Nothing.

I want to write that so much has changed, I want to write that nothing has changed, but the truth is both are true.  How can so much change and yet everything still hurt just as much?  I suppose that is just what happens when a piece of you dies, when a portion of your heart leaves your body, when you lose...

Bereavement - how one responds and adjusts to the death of a loved one - is a very personal, individual matter.  There is no right way or wrong way to respond, it is personal.  No one can tell you how you should do it, though they will try.  There is no magic formula of grief that makes it easier.  

People will unfortunately judge you for how you respond.  They judge you because they are afraid, they are jealous, they feel guilty...People will judge you.  The hardest hits come from those who you expect more from, from those you thought would be there no matter what, from those who you love.  Try not to take these moments personally.  

Yes you lost someone you love, yes you lost someone you created - but they lost you.  They lost the person you were before.  No matter what I say, I am different now.  How could I not be?  

Maybe I am a sadder version of me, but that's ok.  

Life is hard.  There are things that are not fair.  However, we must move forward.  Do I hold my girls a little tighter at night?  Yes.  Do I look at the other children in my life and say prayers for them?  Yes.  However, I do not hold them against their parents - I love them.  I would never wish this heartache, this emptiness on another.  What I do wish, is to watch them grow, play and love - to see all the hope we had lost play out before our eyes in them.  They give me hope.

Maybe I am a selfish person, but that's ok.  

We have already lost everything that made us breath.  Madison was a perfectly innocent baby and God decided to take her home before Adam and I were ready.  I didn't think we took our pregnancy with Madison for granted - remember I was afraid something would go wrong so I was afraid to share it - and maybe that is where we went wrong.  I was afraid to share her and then she wasn't here to share.  All we have is her memory and her love.  So, now, knowing that life is entirely too short, Adam and I try to make sure we give Cecilia, Isabelle and Zoe, all the love in the world.  That they have a village.  That we share them - yes we are very private people, but those in our circle, are in our children's world.  

Maybe I am a happier version of me, and that is ok too.  

Yes this seems like a contradiction.  But maybe I am happier because I already know failure.  Michael Jordan used to say something to the fact of "I've failed over and over and over again.  But I kept trying, which is way I have succeeded."  I may have failed Madison in that the fact that she did not survive to meet everyone, but I will never fail her memory.  She taught to me to appreciate life, to fight for those who cannot fight for themselves and to love without boundaries.  I cannot live my life in fear of the unknown.  Bad things happen.  However, good things happen too.  Miracles happen.  

Cecilia, Isabelle and Zoe happened.  Their love, their courage, their hope - they make me happy.

Cecilia, Zoe & Isabelle
Lil Kromers

Look Mom - Madison came to play with us!

I am me, for better or worse I am me.  I am a mother who lost a child.  I am a mother to micro-preemie triplets who all almost died - multiple times.  I am a mother to triplets who are constantly fighting to prove themselves in a world where most had given up on them before they were born.  I am a mother.

I am also a friend, a wife, a daughter, a sister - I am me.  

Yes, life has changed me.  Madison changed me and I will forever be grateful for the love she taught me.  I see Madison in every rainbow.  I see her in the girls as they grow and explore.  I see her in the love Adam shows them.

Madison's due date was yesterday - February 18 - she should have been turning 2...

Happy Valentine's Day!

Love from us to you

Happy Valentine's Day 2015
Zoe, Cecilia & Isabelle

18 Months Actual, Corrected to 14.5 Months

Where has the time gone?!?

On January 1, 2015, the girls turned 18 months old - I cannot believe they are 18 months old already.  It seems like only yesterday sometimes that I was being rushed to Rochester for fear of early delivery.  

18 months ago our world changed - our precious little miracles joined the world, taking their first breaths (yes it was with the help of modern medicine), but they were here.  18 months ago, Adam and I experienced the greatest feeling in the world - our children were born - We also experienced some of the scariest moments in our lives - holding our breath until we knew our girls were "safely" hooked up to the machines that would help them live until they could do it on their own.

18 months ago ...

Cecilia Hope

Are you looking at me??
I can't blame you - I'm so cute!

Miss Cecilia hanging out in Isabelle's chair

July 1, 2013

Weight - 1 pound, 2 ounces

Height - 10.6 inches 

January 5, 2015

Weight - 15 pounds, 5 ounces

Height - 28 inches

Isabelle Grace

Isabelle Grace - I'm such a big girl!

I climbed on the couch all by myself
and brought my friends with me - Iz

July 1, 2013

Weight - 1 pound, 8 ounces

Height - 12.6 inches

January 5, 2015

Weight - 19 pounds, 15 plus ounces

Height - 30 inches

Zoe Elizabeth

Look at me!!  I'm wearing 12 month jammies!

Climbing into containers is a favorite
activity of Miss Zoe Elizabeth

July 1, 2013

Weight - 1 pound, 6 ounces

Height - 11 inches

January 5, 2015

Weight - 19 pounds, 13 ounces

Height - 29 inches

To Warm You on a Cold Day

Everyone Needs a Reason to Smile...Here are Three of Ours

This holiday season was filled with love - I know not everyone has a smooth road to travel, and sometimes it seems easier to give in to the negativity or refuse to see the positive.  On those days, I hope you can find some hope in the smiles of our beautiful daughters.  

Cecilia

Zoe

Isabelle

Part of our Village

The girls were blessed to have family visit this holiday season ~ Thank you for being part of our Village.  The girls are so very blessed.

Aunt Abbie and Uncle Paul
Zoe, Isabelle & Cecilia

Carson, Cecilia & Brady

Brady & Isabelle

Our First Christmas Home

Merry Christmas 2014

How was your Christmas?  We hope it was filled with laughter, happiness, joy, hope and love.  How was ours?  All of that and more.  

As Christmas approached both Adam and I were excited and holding our breath - Would we make it through this holiday without a trip to the hospital?  Would our girls actually be home for Christmas?  Would we really get to celebrate together?  

Many will not understand all the thoughts and fears that flow through our heads - and honestly, this is okay.  We truly do not want you to understand because if you understood that means you would have suffered through some of the same hardships we have and we do not wish that on anyone.  

Adam and I have been through so much in the past three years that I still tear up when I think about it.  Two years ago, Christmas came and went - I do not believe we actually celebrated the holiday, rather we simply went through the motions.  Two years ago, we lost Madison.  

Somehow Adam and I decided to put a tree, though we did not decorate it.  It held a lone ornament, a tribute to Madison.  I sat and looked at that tree for hours, simply staring at it, wondering what might have been.  I was still supposed to be pregnant, Madison should have been growing inside of me still, instead I was empty.  It was a very rough year.  

Brave Miss Cecilia ~ Christmas 2013
Wearing newborn/preemie clothing

Last year, we were not alone.  Our little miracles were here.  But instead of them being 8-10 weeks old, they were almost 6 months old!!  They had already been here, fighting to survive, showing us everyday what it meant to be brave.  

Zoe & Isabelle borrowing Cecilia's NICU Crib
Girls were wearing 3 month clothing

Zoe and Isabelle had been discharged from the hospital.  Adam and I had held onto all hope that Cecilia would be home for Christmas 2013 - unfortunately it was not to be.  In fact, Cecilia underwent surgery Christmas week to place her line for her TPN.  Steps backward in order to move forward.

Last year, we awoke Christmas morning, packed up Zoe and Isabelle, and trekked the 2 plus hour drive to Rochester to spend Christmas in the NICU with Cecilia.  We celebrated as much as you could celebrate being in the NICU - and at the end of the day, we were together, however we were in a hospital.  It seems most our memories revolve around the hospital.

So this year, as Christmas drew near, we did our best to stay positive.  Do not get me wrong, we loved our nurses and doctors in the NICU, but we really had no intentions of going back to spend yet another holiday there.  The girls did their part and we all were able to be together, at home.

We woke up Christmas morning and said an extra thank you for allowing us all to be together, to be together in our own home.  This might seem like nothing to most of you, but it is all we dreamed about - being home, being together.

The girls were delighted with new presents - toys, chairs, clothes and love.  We cannot thank everyone enough for the time, care, thought and love you put into your gifts to the girls.  Thank you.

Cecilia Hope

Isabelle Grace

Zoe Elizabeth

We hope everyone was able to feel as much love as we did on Christmas and that your little ones, no matter how old they may have grown, allowed you to relive the magic that is Christmas.

All our Love,

Adam, Daneille

Madison, Cecilia, Isabelle

Zoe & Gus

Family Christmas 2014
Adam & Daneille
Cecilia, Zoe & Isabelle
(Cecilia is now wearing 9 month jammies
Zoe & Iz are wearing 12 month jammies)

Happy Thanksgiving

We have so much to be thankful for ...

The month of November seemed like smooth sailing for us, which should have been our first sign of trouble.  The girls started the month receiving their flu shots and first of five RSV Prevention Shots - Needless to say this did not make them happy.  The girls bounced back well and were ready to take on the world.

Then right before Thanksgiving, as Adam and I were lamenting about Thanksgiving 2013, the girls got sick.  Disclaimer for those with weak stomachs, this is not pretty!!  It started off with Isabelle getting diarrhea on Friday, November 21, and of course it didn't get bad until the end of the business day.  We called the friendly after hours nurse only to be told that Miss Iz was one diaper short of requiring an emergency room visit - she only had 7 episodes of diarrhea in a four hour period, not 8.


On Saturday, everyone seemed to be feeling great.  That is until a little before 10 p.m. when I heard Miss Zoe cry.  The cry sounded different so I went to check on her and as I approached her crib, our little Miss Zoe blew chucks!  That's right folks, Zoe had her first experience with actual vomit.

To make matters worse, Cecilia decided to join in on the fun.  Cecilia thankfully I was able to get over the bathroom sink and Adam grabbed Zoe to put over the tub for her last bout - but clean up was not fun!

Three mattress protectors later, new jammies for both Zoe and Cecilia, and I had all three girls on bobby pillows in our bedroom for a late night camp out.   Gus was not thrilled as I locked him out the bedroom as I did not want him to shake and wake up the babies who needed their sleep.

Zoe asleep on top
Cecilia in leopard, Isabelle in pink

To add insult to injury, poor Adam joined the puke troop at about 5 a.m. Sunday morning.  Unfortunately for me, Adam was unable to rally and needed to stay down for the entire day in order to feel better.  This was best though as the girls were having it from both ends all day Sunday and I did not want to clean up any potential mess from Adam - let's face it parent puke is a bigger mess than baby puke.

Cecilia does not feel well

I canceled Cecilia's therapy session for Monday, not wanting to spread this illness to any other families.  Monday arrived and the girls all seemed to be feeling better.  Cecilia even ate 6 ounces of a bottle that morning.

Unfortunately, about an hour later she puked it all up and needed a diaper change.  As I was changing her I realized she was starting to get listless and feeling very warm.  A temp check showed she had spiked a fever within the hour to 103 degrees.  A quick call to the doctor and we were on our way in to have someone look at her.

Zoe & Momma waiting for Zoe's admission paperwork

Cecilia was almost immediately hooked up to an IV for bolus fluids and monitoring.  An hour later she still was not doing any better and we were told she had earned herself a stay at Hotel Mayo - Eau Claire.  Blood work was drawn showing her sodium levels and bun numbers were high causing the doctors even more concern.

Upon admission, we checked on Zoe and Isabelle, who were at home with Nanny Erika only to find out that Zoe was refusing all food and drink - her last intake was at 8 a.m. when I gave her a bottle.  Adam rushed home to check on her only to call me and say she didn't look good.

Another call to the doctor, and twenty minutes later Zoe was being seen.  Thankfully Nanny Nicole could come over to the hospital to sit with Cecilia so I could meet Adam in the clinic with Zoe.  Within 10 minutes we were told she also would be staying at Hotel Mayo - Eau Claire.  BOO!

Zoe and Cecilia playing together in the hospital
Yes we brought a pack and play!!

We were all finally settled into our hospital room at about 6:30 p.m.  Zoe was hooked up to an IV at about 10 p.m. Needless to say it was a long day followed by a long night.

Iz misses her sisters

Nannies Savanah and Courtney each pulled long night shifts on Monday and Tuesday respectively to help us with Isabelle, who had not earned an admission to the hospital.  Nanny Nicole provided me with wonderful blankets and a sweatshirt to survive the hospital, while Nanny Ashley stopped by with coffee.  Nanny Erika brought a second dose of caffeine and dinner for Adam and I on Tuesday.

Finally on Wednesday, after 48 hours of IV fluids, both Zoe and Cecilia finally started feeling better and their blood work had normalized.  Both girls were able to be discharged on Wednesday and we went home at about 7 p.m.

Zoe's feeling better

Just in time to celebrate Thanksgiving at home as a family!

Last year, Adam and I spent Thanksgiving in the NICU with Cecilia - This year, despite being sick and going to bed earlier, we happily celebrated Thanksgiving at our home with our daughters.

We have so much to be thankful for ~ four beautiful daughters, a wonderful puppy, amazing friends and family, and each other.  We could not have made it through this past year without the love and support of all of you - family, friends we have known for years and new friends who have all become family and each other.

Thank you.

Birthday Presents from Daddy!

Happy Corrected First Birthday Ladies!

Adam simply could not resist himself when he found out his favorite hat (Stormy Kromer) made mini hats for babies ~ Lil Kromers!!  The girls seemed to enjoy them - Ok, everyone but Isabelle seemed to enjoy : )

Cecilia - I love my Daddy!

Perfect Hunting Profile

Zoe - I cannot wait to go hunting with Daddy!

Iz "Ba ba Momma - Ba Ba!!"
Isabelle was preoccupied with getting her
bedtime bottle  : )

Iz standing still not happy to not have her bottle!!
Zoe just chilling, enjoying the drama caused by Isabelle  : )