Lesser Things ...

Have Broken Greater People ...

Lesser things have broken greater people ...

Today I sit and reflect on the past four years.  Four years ago Adam and I were trying to decide when would be the right time to get pregnant.  Truth be told, there is never a right time.  In June 2012 we were blessed to discover we were pregnant with our first child, a daughter.  In October 2012, we were told she had died and on November 5, 2012, with Adam by my side, I delivered our daughter Madison Michelle silently into this world.  

Lesser things have broken greater people ...

I remember being angry, scared, feeling empty yet conflicted because literally 30 seconds ago to us she had been alive.  To have hope ripped away from you is a feeling I wish on no one.  To know that even though you did everything right, it wasn’t enough.  To lose your child.  

Lesser things have broken greater people ...

I think both Adam and I were aware that this could break us ... individually and as a unit.  We had created a life and it was taken from us.  The easy thing to do would have been to blame one another, to withdraw from one another, to run away.  Yet we didn’t choose easy - we chose one another.  No matter how hard that was, we always chose one another.  

Once the doctor cleared me to return to work and resume “regular” activities, I remember feeling lost, pressure to return to “normal” - whatever that was because my new normal sucked.  I felt like I was stuck in a glass box in the middle of a busy world that kept moving despite my horrific loss, I could scream and cry but no one heard me, they just kept moving forward. 

Running became my salvation.  I would simply step on the treadmill and lose myself step after step, mile after mile.  It was like I was drowning but with each step I came closer to finding oxygen.  I do not remember these runs, or how I felt after I stepped off the treadmill, but I do remember Adam having to tell me I couldn’t just run forever.  I had to learn how to function again without running, without Madison.  

Adam chose me.  

Lesser things have broken greater people ...

And then, out of nowhere, we were pregnant again.  We were pregnant before Madison’s due date.  This pregnancy probably saved me.  I couldn’t afford to keep running, I couldn’t afford to fall apart - I had a new baby (or babies as it would turn out to be) to think about it, I couldn’t think about me.  This pregnancy made me a better woman, a better wife to my husband.  I chose us, I chose our family.  

Lesser things have broken greater people ...

Where does this post come from.  Probably from watching Grey’s Anatomy this week where April and Jackson fall apart.  Yes, I know it’s just a television show, but it very easily could have been my reality.  

April and Jackson lost their son.  Adam and I lost our daughter.  We all suffered incredible loss - but instead of pushing Adam away and not recognizing his heartache, instead of Adam not making me talk to him and allowing me to “run” away, we chose one another.  

How easily our world could have escaped us?  How easily could we have given up instead of fighting for and choosing one another?  How easily could we not have the family we have today ...  

Life is not easy.  In fact, there are a lot of times that life just sucks.  But at the end of the day, despite all the suckiness and sadness, I choose to be strong and part of my being strong is leaning on Adam.  This wasn’t easy for Adam - he lost yet had to be strong for me.  He hurt, but put that aside so I could grieve.  He very easily could have said so many things - instead, he chose us.  

Thank you for choosing us.  Thank you for allowing us to have our family.  Thank you for not letting this break us.  

Lesser things have broken greater people ...

February ...

Makes Me Stronger ...

February is a bittersweet month for me ...

February is the month to celebrate love.  Valentine’s Day has always been one of my favorite holidays - ok my favorite - despite all the nay sayers complaining it is a Hallmark holiday.  I am truly a romantic at heart.  As much as the cheesy commercials and romantic comedies are overdone, they all make me swoon and I’m not shy to admit, I will often tear up at the really good ones. 

10 Things I Hate About You ... You’ve Got Mail ... Love and Basketball ... Down to You ... Cinderella ... Anastasia ... Pretty Woman (yes I know she was a hooker!) ... 

For some reason the sentiments of finding true love, being identified as worthy, needed by someone for simply being who you are ... 

I blame my father.  

Growing up, he showed us what it was like to truly love and be loved.  He always took the time, no matter how hard it was, to make us feel important, to value what we liked, and to teach us in moments where it would be easier I’m sure to do it for us.  He showed up to surprise us, he made us know we were important.  I remember for Valentine’s Day we woke up to three bouquets in the kitchen - one for Mom, one for Belle and one for me.  He took the time to do the little stuff that really was the big stuff for me.  

Don’t get me wrong, I am sure my parents argued.  I know my father and I argued - man we had some doozies - but he always loved.  That is what I remember growing up - that he loved.  

Adam would say this left me with unrealistic expectations of what love and life were like.  I say it gave me expectations of what life and love should be and that it is possible.  

So when Adam and I found out our first child, a daughter, had a due date in February, I was overjoyed.  Madison’s due date was February 18, 2013.  Madison should be turning three today.  

Instead, Madison was silently born on November 5, 2012, straight into Jesus’s welcoming embrace.  Madison would not be born in February.  Madison would not be born screaming or laughing into this world.  Rather, Madison had a greater calling.  Madison, our daughter, forever will be an angel.  

So instead of simply enjoying February, I now come to dread it in some ways.  I dread the awful lump of despair I feel when I know Madison never made it her debut day.  I dread the feeling of guilt I feel by not being able to protect her and keep her safe.  I dread the look of pity and disgrace I see in strangers faces when I acknowledge Madison as our first born despite her immediate and instantaneous entrance into heaven.  

I am proud of Madison.  She is my daughter.  I will not shrink back and pretend she never existed.  I will not refuse to say her name because it makes someone else uncomfortable.  I will not not love her.  

As much as I loved February, I had grown to dread it.  And then, in February of 2013, the same month Madison was suppose to be born, Adam and I were blessed with a tremendous gift.  We discovered we were pregnant again.  

The weight of that news had the equal measure of fear, joy, despair and celebration.  

Fear of having another loss.  Joy at new life.  Despair at dishonoring Madison’s memory.  Celebration at making her a big sister.   

There is no road map for child loss.  There are books to guide you but really no one can walk the road with you.  Even mothers who have lost before, their journey is different just as every child is different.  No mother parents the same, just as no parent grieves the same.  However, we all love.  And we are all heartbroken.  It is that bond, the shared heartache, that joins us in a club no one ever wants to join.  And once you’re in, there is no going back - you cannot rescind your membership.  

However, losing a child does not have to make you a weak person.  Losing a child can make you a stronger, better, more beautiful version of yourself if you let it.  Through loss and grief, tears and heartache, you can find your way to smile again.  Find your way to celebrate life again.  Find you again.  You will never be the same, but you can find yourself and maybe, just maybe, you will like this version better.  

In everything I do, in everything I am, Madison is with me and is a part of me.  There is no end to our grief in losing our daughter.  Every day there is something she will never experience - the first snow, the first time swimming, her first, fifth, tenth birthdays ... we will never know her laugh or her cry, we will never have her excitedly shout for one of us to show off the fact that she can tie her shoe, we will never have to hold her as she cries over the first boy to break her heart.  There are so many things that Madison will never have - but the one thing I can promise you is she will never be forgotten, or dismissed, or not recognized as ours.  

So while February is bittersweet for me, and today February 18, will always crumble my heart, February will always belong to Madison.  Madison was the embodiment of everything we could be and to honor Madison, we will always be the best versions of ourselves.  She deserves that and so much more.    

Happy due date Madison ~ Your father and I love you very much.

Happy Valentine's Day

with love ...

Isabelle snuggling

So the girls decided to spend this Valentine's Day sick with a nasty cold/flu.  Sad!!

Cecilia sleeping off her fever

They all unfortunately were running fevers and were very irritable.  Iz kept tugging at her ear while Zoe would smush her face and say "owie momma".

Circle of Sick Sisters

Thankfully all are starting to feel better!  Unfortunately, they decided they should try sharing and now both Momma and Dadda are sick.  Oh well, first world problems  :)

Here are our fabulous little Valentine's  :)

Cecilia 

Isabelle

Zoe

With Love from Our Family to Yours

Merry Christmas 2015

We made it another year!  This year was even more amazing than last year ~ Growing up, I remember loving Christmas and not quite understanding how adults could enjoy it as much as I could...well, now I know.  As an adult, as a parent, Christmas is so much more enjoyable (don't get me wrong, it is a heck of a lot of work, but much more enjoyable) ~ We get to enjoy the holiday through the eyes of our children.  

Isabelle Grace
Zoe Elizabeth, Cecilia Hope

This year the girls figured out who Santa was - they walk around in their dollar store Santa hats, pat their bellies and say "Ho! Ho! Ho!"  

They do not, however, understand that Santa bring presents, watches all year, etc.  I figure this will be our last year with that luxury but it's ok.  Remember, the girls really have no idea what a store is - they have never been to one.  Zoe has explored the Scheels in Rochester on one of her solo trips, but that is all.

Cecilia, Zoe, Isabelle & Carson

So this year Adam and I (along with the family) all splurged and the girls were incredibly spoiled!!  They received new tricycles, books, clothes and more from Grandpa Mark and Grandma Jan!  New easels, Disney dolls, play dough and tools, along with coloring mats, markers, and more from Auntie Amy, Uncle Bobby, Brady and Carson.  A new slide and outdoor activity center from Popa Tom, Grandma Jamie and Great-Grandma Carol.  Great-grandma Carol also got the girls a dancing minion and their very first Care Bears!  Pretty new clothes from Auntie Belle, Uncle Jason and Jaxon.

Zoe, Cecilia & Isabelle
Would you like to come over and play?

Santa brought them new costumes (a ladybug, strawberry, owl, dragon, tiger & monster), new clothes in their stockings, new books to read, and a dollhouse and a play house (the door bell even rings).  

They were spoiled with love by others from far away too ~ new dress up clothes from the Dugans; an outdoor play house from Aunt Robbin, Uncle Jeff & Maxim; a new book and Christmas pajamas with tutus from Laurie, Nathan and Dylan; bathrobes and toys from Miss Erika; an easel from Na Na Cole; awesome workout leggings from Miss Courtney; big girl sweatshirts from Miss Savanah; art supplies and more from Miss Nikki; new books and a Mickey/Minnie/Pluto Little People set from Miss Lilly (our newest addition to the nanny family); build a tent kits from Miss Vicki Cichanofsky and family; new books from Miss Alissa; and so much more.  

We are incredibly blessed to have such wonderful people in our family and village.  

The holiday has never been about presents or material things ~ for us it is always about family, faith, hope and love.  Our family has been through an incredible amount and we are stronger for it.  We somehow were able to maintain our faith and belief that everything would be okay.  We never gave up hope and we still continue to hope for the best for everyone.  And through it all, the constant factor, love.  We love with all our hearts ~ 

Miss Madison was missed more than I can say, but she was with us.  We had brilliant rainbows on Christmas morning and she was perched at the top our a Christmas tree ~ our perfect angel.  

We hope each and every one of you had a fabulous Christmas felt the blessings all around you ~ No matter what happens in this world, you are loved.  Thank you for loving us.  

Happy New Year!!

The girls did not get to stay up until Midnight but here are their last photos from 2015.  

Cecilia

Isabelle

Zoe

On January 1, 2016, the girls turned 2.5 years old  :)  

 

Flower Girls

Introducing Mr. & Mrs. Jason & Michelle Rieger

In October, the girls made their first big public appearance as flower girls for their Auntie Belle and Uncle Jason's wedding.  They were absolutely adorable!!  

Belle looked pretty amazing too!

Momma, Zoe & Auntie Belle

The girls got their hair done, wore pretty dresses and new shoes, and danced the night away  :)  I was a very proud momma.  

Zoe's not too sure about this whole hair thing...

Cecilia was a champ!

Isabelle enjoyed herself as long as I didn't move!!

Here are some of the highlights from the wedding!

Momma & Zoe

Iz, Daddy & Zoe

Isabelle & Zoe Waiting For the Show to Start

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
Nope there are two of them there!

Cecilia with Grandpa Mark

Cecilia with Popa Tom

Daddy's Girls
Being Pretty is Exhausting  :)

Cecilia taking a break

Rehearsal Tutus
Thank you Na Na Cole

Momma, Daddy & Isabelle at Rehearsal

Being good girls are the rehearsal with Auntie Amy & Grandpa Mark

Flower Girls Walking down the Aisle
(ok Cecilia was carried but you get it!)

We did a good job!!  Post walk down the aisle!

Jaxon with his babies at dinner!

Dancing the night away with Grandma Jamie

Isabelle needed a break

Big Girls at Dinner

Thanksgiving = Doctors

So much to be Thankful for...

Another Thanksgiving and another trip to the doctors for the girls.  Once again, the girls got sick for Thanksgiving but instead of being upset, Adam and I celebrated - This year we only needed to go to doctor and ended up with antibiotics for everyone rather than being admitted for a three day stay at Mayo.  This is a victory!!  

So while the girls might not have been feeling the greatest, they were strong enough to fight off most of the sickness and did not need IVs or an overnight stay!  

And the best news of all...Everyone gained weight!!

Zoe weighed in at 24 pounds, 4 ounces

Zoe, my little ham, LOVES PB & J!

Isabelle weighed in at 24 pounds, 11 ounces

Iz has no problem digging in  :)

and, drum roll please ...

Cecilia topped the scales at 19 pounds, 6 ounces!!

Cecilia was not a fan of peanut & jelly this day  :)

She gained almost an entire pound since her last visit, up almost 5 pounds since her surgery to close her G-Tube site!!  We are so very proud of her  :)

Back to School, Back to School...

Everyone Loves a Skibness

The girls were feeling a little left out with everyone's first day of school photos so we decided to pretend they were going to school too.

ENJOY!!

Cecilia Hope, Isabelle Grace, Zoe Elizabeth