Two Years...

Everything and Nothing.

I want to write that so much has changed, I want to write that nothing has changed, but the truth is both are true.  How can so much change and yet everything still hurt just as much?  I suppose that is just what happens when a piece of you dies, when a portion of your heart leaves your body, when you lose...

Bereavement - how one responds and adjusts to the death of a loved one - is a very personal, individual matter.  There is no right way or wrong way to respond, it is personal.  No one can tell you how you should do it, though they will try.  There is no magic formula of grief that makes it easier.  

People will unfortunately judge you for how you respond.  They judge you because they are afraid, they are jealous, they feel guilty...People will judge you.  The hardest hits come from those who you expect more from, from those you thought would be there no matter what, from those who you love.  Try not to take these moments personally.  

Yes you lost someone you love, yes you lost someone you created - but they lost you.  They lost the person you were before.  No matter what I say, I am different now.  How could I not be?  

Maybe I am a sadder version of me, but that's ok.  

Life is hard.  There are things that are not fair.  However, we must move forward.  Do I hold my girls a little tighter at night?  Yes.  Do I look at the other children in my life and say prayers for them?  Yes.  However, I do not hold them against their parents - I love them.  I would never wish this heartache, this emptiness on another.  What I do wish, is to watch them grow, play and love - to see all the hope we had lost play out before our eyes in them.  They give me hope.

Maybe I am a selfish person, but that's ok.  

We have already lost everything that made us breath.  Madison was a perfectly innocent baby and God decided to take her home before Adam and I were ready.  I didn't think we took our pregnancy with Madison for granted - remember I was afraid something would go wrong so I was afraid to share it - and maybe that is where we went wrong.  I was afraid to share her and then she wasn't here to share.  All we have is her memory and her love.  So, now, knowing that life is entirely too short, Adam and I try to make sure we give Cecilia, Isabelle and Zoe, all the love in the world.  That they have a village.  That we share them - yes we are very private people, but those in our circle, are in our children's world.  

Maybe I am a happier version of me, and that is ok too.  

Yes this seems like a contradiction.  But maybe I am happier because I already know failure.  Michael Jordan used to say something to the fact of "I've failed over and over and over again.  But I kept trying, which is way I have succeeded."  I may have failed Madison in that the fact that she did not survive to meet everyone, but I will never fail her memory.  She taught to me to appreciate life, to fight for those who cannot fight for themselves and to love without boundaries.  I cannot live my life in fear of the unknown.  Bad things happen.  However, good things happen too.  Miracles happen.  

Cecilia, Isabelle and Zoe happened.  Their love, their courage, their hope - they make me happy.

Cecilia, Zoe & Isabelle
Lil Kromers

Look Mom - Madison came to play with us!

I am me, for better or worse I am me.  I am a mother who lost a child.  I am a mother to micro-preemie triplets who all almost died - multiple times.  I am a mother to triplets who are constantly fighting to prove themselves in a world where most had given up on them before they were born.  I am a mother.

I am also a friend, a wife, a daughter, a sister - I am me.  

Yes, life has changed me.  Madison changed me and I will forever be grateful for the love she taught me.  I see Madison in every rainbow.  I see her in the girls as they grow and explore.  I see her in the love Adam shows them.

Madison's due date was yesterday - February 18 - she should have been turning 2...